the "weighting" game

So oh I don't know lets say about 5 babies ago I felt something like the above. Sexy, beautiful, confident. Somewhere after the 3rd baby I started to feel more like that Hilda pin-up making the rounds just now. Nothing fit like it used to. The image I saw in the mirror didn't add up to the image of me I had in my head. The one I saw made me feel terrible. That was another 2 babies and about 20 lbs ago. You can imagine how I feel now. I started mid January with this weight loss game and here we are now going into March and I'm only 8 lbs down. Still have about 25 lbs to go before I'll feel like that girl again, and I can't wait! I mean literally. What on earth happened. It used to be that I just had to look at the scale every day and say a little wish and the weight would fall off me. Now I barely eat, don't stop moving all day, and I'm lucky if a couple of pounds a week come off. Somewhere along this road of baby rearing I lost sight of who I was and what was important to me to make me feel like me. Now I know a lot of people jump on the "you've been pregnant or nursing most years for the past god knows how many how could you expect to me "the old you" ". But the issue is that without looking in the mirror and seeing the old me, I don't feel like me. I feel like an imposter in this body. I have no confidence. I always have that niggling doubt in myself that tends to ruin a part of every day, every special event, everything that should be fun. I feel like a failure. I failed my own body. It's not that I want to be the "hottest bitch in this place" (is it just me or even though Blurred Lines is long gone is it still in your head too argh).. I just want to look in the mirror and see me again, really see me, and not feel failure, or sadness. I feel so sorry for my husband, not because he has extra to love right now, because I do believe he still loves every inch of me, I feel sorry for him because he hasn't got the best of me these past 6 years that I've had to bare this load, both physically and mentally. I have been a miserable bitch, even in times when I should have been so happy. So I'll plod on with this slow weight loss ride, and try to focus on the day in the not so distant future when I look in the mirror and I look back at myself. Me again.

in search of ancient grains

I certainly feel something rustic and good about preparing ancient grains for my children. I try to buy the ancient grain bread whenever I see it, I even love to say ancient grains - as if that in itself makes it more wholesome, more healthful. They are of course very healthy and good for you as all whole grains are. Tonight I cooked Farro for the first time. They say Farro is the original grain from which all others derive, and fed the Mediterranean and Near Eastern populations for thousands of years; somewhat more recently it was the standard ration of the Roman Legions that expanded throughout the Western World. Ground into a paste and cooked, it was also the primary ingredient in puls, the polenta eaten for centuries by the Roman poor. Important as it was, however, it was difficult to work and produced low yields. In the centuries following the fall of the Empire, higher-yielding grains were developed and farro's cultivation dwindled: By the turn of the century in Italy there were a few hundred acres of fields scattered over the regions of Lazio, Umbria, the Marches and Tuscany. Farro would probably still be an extremely local specialty had the farmers of the French Haute Savoie not begun to supply it to elegant restaurants that used it in hearty vegetable soups and other dishes. Their success sparked renewed interest in farro among gastronomes, and now the grain is enjoying a resurgence in popularity in Italy as well, especially among trendy health-conscious cooks.

I will probably look for a recipe for the next time I cook it, but as for tonight I boiled it in salted water until tender, added some garlic, a little butter, olive oil, and oregano et voila. The children loved it, as did I. It has a nutty taste and it kind of pops in your mouth as you eat it, it holds its shape and is not smooshy at all, I think it would be equally great in a salad, as it would in a risotto dish. Glad to add another grain option to our diets - brown rice gets old after a while!