Every time a child says, "I don't believe in fairies," there is a fairy somewhere that falls down dead.
James Matthew Barrie, Peter Pan

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

the "weighting" game

So oh I don't know lets say about 5 babies ago I felt something like the above. Sexy, beautiful, confident. Somewhere after the 3rd baby I started to feel more like that Hilda pin-up making the rounds just now. Nothing fit like it used to. The image I saw in the mirror didn't add up to the image of me I had in my head. The one I saw made me feel terrible. That was another 2 babies and about 20 lbs ago. You can imagine how I feel now. I started mid January with this weight loss game and here we are now going into March and I'm only 8 lbs down. Still have about 25 lbs to go before I'll feel like that girl again, and I can't wait! I mean literally. What on earth happened. It used to be that I just had to look at the scale every day and say a little wish and the weight would fall off me. Now I barely eat, don't stop moving all day, and I'm lucky if a couple of pounds a week come off. Somewhere along this road of baby rearing I lost sight of who I was and what was important to me to make me feel like me. Now I know a lot of people jump on the "you've been pregnant or nursing most years for the past god knows how many how could you expect to me "the old you" ". But the issue is that without looking in the mirror and seeing the old me, I don't feel like me. I feel like an imposter in this body. I have no confidence. I always have that niggling doubt in myself that tends to ruin a part of every day, every special event, everything that should be fun. I feel like a failure. I failed my own body. It's not that I want to be the "hottest bitch in this place" (is it just me or even though Blurred Lines is long gone is it still in your head too argh).. I just want to look in the mirror and see me again, really see me, and not feel failure, or sadness. I feel so sorry for my husband, not because he has extra to love right now, because I do believe he still loves every inch of me, I feel sorry for him because he hasn't got the best of me these past 6 years that I've had to bare this load, both physically and mentally. I have been a miserable bitch, even in times when I should have been so happy. So I'll plod on with this slow weight loss ride, and try to focus on the day in the not so distant future when I look in the mirror and I look back at myself. Me again.

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